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Headline: "VP-Elect Biden to Visit Southwest Asia" Biden's immediate friends, family already dreading long-winded slideshow upon his return. |
Headline: "Britney Spears’ Twitter Gets Hacked" I'll take "Headlines That Would Have Sounded Completely Filthy Before 2006" for $200, Alex.... |
Headline: "Steve Jobs Reassures Investors About Health" It was a failed attempt to turn himself into the thinner, lighter "Steve Jobs Air." |
Headline: "Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell Have Twin Girls" Hugh Hefner makes mental note to stay alive until 2028. |
Headline: "Hunter Aims at Duck, Hits Man, Gets Arrested" Related: Dick Cheney looked out his window and smiled about nothing in particular. |
Headline: "Hunter Aims at Duck, Hits Man, Gets Arrested" Ironically, the duck ended up laughing himself to death. |
Headline: "Hunter Aims at Duck, Hits Man, Gets Arrested" Police told the hunter he had the right to remain "Vewy, vewy siwent." |
Headline: "Jeb Bush for President: Dad Suggests" Ever optimistic, Oliver Stone begins work on new screenplay, "J." |
Headline: "The World's Oldest Person Lives in Los Angeles" But by LA standards, that just mean an actress turned 36. |
Headline: "Turkey Seeks End to Gaza Violence" That's so rude. The proper term for President Bush is "Lame Duck." |
Headline: "Wikipedia Meets $6 Million Fundraising Goal" Or, as the page reads on Wikipedia, "Wikipedia Boners $6 Kajillion Baba Booey." |
Headline: "US Winery Owner Dies in Brazil" He was 70 years old, or rather, a vintage 1939. |
Headline: "NY Governor May Be Leaning Toward Kennedy" Unfortunately for Caroline, that's a headline about Nelson A. Rockefeller. |
Headline: "Palin: New Parents Levi and Bristol 'Working Their Butts Off'" "Gosh, they silkscreened 1000 'Palin in 2012' shirts yesterday..." |
Headline: "Microsoft Says Zune Players Working Again" Kids who wanted an iPod for Christmas but got something "Just as good," weep softly. |
Headline: "Mystery writer Donald Westlake dies at 75" Butler held for questioning. |
I don't care if http://tinyurl.com/94yl58, I just had meatloaf at NYC's Comfort Diner that gave me the fortitude to get through 2009. |
Headline: "Microsoft's Official Fix for Failing Zunes" "Buy an iPod." |
Headline: "Baby Girl Born on US-Bound Flight" Mother immediately charged for extra carry-on. HELLO 2009! |
Switching to minimum output for the next 48. Thanks for putting up with me, and I promise more and worse bits in '09. Happy new year! BOOZE! |
